Adidas launch revolutionary new Chelsea kit

After reading the 'techincal' description of Chelsea's kit for the 2012/13 season, released last week, it appeared the marketing team at Adidas have a pretty fun job making up an absolute load os rubbish, so I thought I'd give it a bash myself.

This is what was posted in an article on the official Chelsea site, regarding the new kit:

Technology
The 2012/13 shirt again features the adidas Techfit™
technology in the playing shirt which is proven to enhance
performance.
TechFit™ - The players' kit will incorporate adidas' cutting
edge TechFit™ technology to help improve speed, increased endurance capabilities
and enhanced awareness. This works by stabilising and focusing the muscles'
energy to generate explosive acceleration and deliver maximum power
output.
Climacool™ -The shirts also feature adidas ClimaCool™ technology, a
mixture of heat and moisture controlling materials, ventilation channels and 3D
fabrics which improve air flow to the skin in the key heat zones.

And here's what other nonsense they could've come up with:

SuperSpeed™ - The kit features a hidden SuperSpeed™ button which, when deployed by the player, accelerates their legs at three times the usual speed. Adidas have designed this feature specifically for Didier Drogba who will benefit greatly from the enhanced speed and may even be in danger of breaking into a sweat, where Adidas’s unique ClimaCool™ system will come into its own.

BodyArmour™ - Also new for the 2012/13 season, Adidas have developed a weightless BodyArmour™ system incorporated within the shirt. This unique technology will allow players to receive countless blows to the body and remain completely unaffected – particularly useful for John Terry.

BrowBuster™ - The shirt also features Adidas’s state of the art BrowBuster™ technology, designed specifically with Jose Bosingwa in mind. The technology, unique to Bosingwa’s shirt, enables a hands-free eyebrow trim at the touch of a button, enabling Bosingwa to keep his unibrow in check for the entire 90 minutes. Adidas’s BrowBuster™ development team are certain their high-tech design will improve Bosingwa’s game, giving him unobstructed vision for the duration of a match, enabling him to pass to other Chelsea players, tackle opponents and locate the orthodox right-back position with ease.

UltimateAlert™ - Perfect for Ashley Cole, Adidas’s revolutionary UltimateAlert™ technology enables players to receive regular injections of Red Bull throughout the 90 minutes, keeping them alert and at peak concentration levels all through the game.